A Joke a day keep the blues away !

[akoh]

Subject: BLONDE JOKE :

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....." he said with a deep sigh,

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box." :D

[akoh]

Here another one :

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one
about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with
the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to
disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you
walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that firs t coffin is for my wife."
The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied "Please join the queue."

[akoh]

and another :

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She Spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news-stand to buy a magazine.
Before leaving, she says to the stall-keeper:


" I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am ? "
" About 32 " is the reply. " Nope ! I'm exactly 50. " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into a McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question. The girl replies : ' I'd guess you're about 29. "
The woman replies with a big smile : " Nope ! I'm 50. "
Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops at a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the
same burning question.
The clerk responds : " Oh, I'd say 30 ? "
Again she proudly responds : " I'm 50, but thank you ! "

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting
next to her the same question.
He replies : " Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old
a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands
under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.
She wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out : " Oh, what the hell, go ahead. "
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of fondling, she says : " Okay, okay...How
old am I ? "
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says : " Madam, you are 50. "
Stunned and amazed, the woman says : " This is incredible !! How
could you tell ? "
The old man replies : " Promise that you won't get mad ? "
" I promise I won't, " she says.
" Well, I was right behind you in line at McDonald's. " :D

[akoh]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen and, if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

The doctor very calmly replied: "Same illness, better health plan."

[akoh]

An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd planted many nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, since he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and laughing with glee.. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man thought quickly and yelled back, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."